Time – Me Healing Now

Dear Joseph,

It has been 2 years today since you left this world.

I woke up this morning thinking of a dance that Mia Michaels choreographed called “Time”. It is about Mia’s father, who died of Cancer, and Mia dancing together in a beautiful meeting of both of them on a spiritual dance floor.  🙂

I look at them — and think of you and me.  My spirit feels that you brought that beautiful dance to me as I was waking.

Thank You for watching over me with such profound love Joseph. Thank You for being who you are . You inspire  me everyday.

I love you so much.  Your influence is a big reason why I chose the name “Me Healing Now”


Healing after loss – daily meditation

My first step toward meditation.

After Joseph died, I found it really hard to sleep.

I had not seen meditation as useful, but since I was having a hard time falling asleep, I tried an audiobook called, “Mindfullness meditation, an 8 week course”.   My attitude of “I’m already breathing, and I don’t see how this will help”, was still in the back of my head somewhere.

But, the tone of the speakers was so comforting that I got some really good sleep!  Apparently it sunk in while I was snoring.  I did feel better though. The idea of healing after loss with daily meditation was starting to sink in and take root.

I ended up trying different kinds of meditation.

And slowly, I began to see a difference in my daily life.  I started trying different kinds of meditation.   One of my favorites is Vipassana Meditation.  I use this when I want to sleep as well.  After doing this meditation every day for a month, I noticed that I was more at ease.  I was less easily startled by loud noises.  It is not one of those meditations that helps if you in the middle of an anxiety attack.  It’s more like enjoying the benefits of walking/running everyday, as opposed to walking every once in awhile.

Vippassana Meditation – 15 minutes

I started using a 5 minute meditation that was like taking a bubble bath.  Better even!

The thing about mindfullness, is that we are asked to empty our minds.  That is when I discovered that most of my life I had been operating in mind-less-ness, instead of mind-fulness.

My poor brain needed me to breathe and be.  It was a dawning of peace that came slowly as I learned to let go.  It was going to be ok.  Worrying about things, or trying to recreate the past was never going to help.  I learned the beauty and power of letting go.

I found this meditation to be beautiful and calming.

Free your Mind

For times when I’m overwhelmed, I practiced a meditation that could be used anywhere.  As long as I remembered to use it.  It isn’t a recorded meditation found on Youtube. I  practiced it daily for a few minutes, like it was mental martial arts.  I can picture Po, from Kung Fu Panda while doing this meditation!

It is based on the idea of allowing and surrendering.  Most of the pain we experience in life is due to not being in the present.  When I focus on the future, anxiety comes crashing through like a tsunami.  When I focus on the past, the sting of Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda come backlashing towards me.  It is only in the present that I find peace, or any kind of healing from grief.

The Allow/Surrender meditation goes like this.

“I allow this moment to be as it is, I surrender ALL resistance to this moment as it is.”

Using the above links and script, I found it is possible to heal after loss with meditation.

I hope you find these links useful.  I am putting this out there for anyone who is trying to heal after loss.  I would love to hear from you if you have any questions or comments.

Please be kind to me, I feel vulnerable, but I know that connection brings healing.

Feel free to contact me via Vicki@mehealingnow.com

Healing from loss and a Surprising discovery

2 years ago, when my son Joseph died.  The pain was overwhelming.  Many people were kind, and that helped.  But how to manage the pain?  How to recover?  I had no idea.  Losing someone as fun, loving, insightful, amazing and Awesome as Joseph created a huge, gaping crater in my life.

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

These are the most painful words I have ever experienced.  After Joseph died, I kept trying to go back in time and save him with these words.  I guess taking responsibility, and thinking I could have done something to prevent his death felt better than the helplessness. I probably went through hundreds of scenarios trying to save him.

I looked to see how others handled loss.

I searched online.  Looking for other people who had not only survived, but even thrived from their loss or trauma.   Before Joseph died, I had started reading books from Martha Beck.  I read “Steering by Starlight”.  While the book was amazing, it isn’t directly related to recovery from loss.  So I ended up searching for Martha Beck’s articles from Oprah magazine.

I found help from this article:

Stop Regretting Decisions: Martha Beck

I began to see that my hamster wheel of Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda was filled with fiery pain.  And I also realized that there might be a way to get off of this horrible hamster wheel from hell.

Surprise Discovery – Healing with Meditation!

One way to step out of the pain was meditation!  Meditation was not a new concept to me.  I had dabbled in it a little.  And while it was nice, I really didn’t think that stopping to focus on the breath for a few minutes was going to be truly useful. Healing with Meditation? “I’m in Pain here dammit!”  How is breathing supposed to help that?  I’m already breathing!

But it did.

Meditations about letting go were really helpful.  Meditations about loving-kindness were great.  I actually started with a 5 minute meditation called inner f&*()ing peace.

It took awhile for me to work up to 15 minute meditations, I took the challenge of doing 15 minutes of Vipassana meditation every day for a month.  I found myself less easily spooked by noises.  I could calm down and handle stress wihtout panicking. Overall, I just felt better.

For the first week of Vipassana I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to be trying for.  They said to concentrate on the sensations of breathing. “Ok, breath in, breath out.  Oh man, I wonder where the cat is? He was so cute when he was playing with the curly ribbon.  Did I put cat food on the shopping list?  Oh yeah, breath in, breath out.”

At first I felt guilty about not staying with “breath in, breath out” past 1 revolution. Then I noticed the person leading the meditation said that it is not a mistake.  Just go back to “breath in, breath out”.  It took a couple of months before I put together that the purpose of this kind of meditation was to help us to become “The Watcher” of our thoughts.

I began to realize that becoming “The Watcher” of my thoughts helped me to see the ultimate truth — thoughts do not make reality.

The philosopher Descartes penned the phrase “I think, therefore I am”.  It seems that this underlying belief is permeated in our culture today.  Reasonable enough, right?  However, on closer inspection, “I think, therefore I am” loses validity.  It is rumored that when Descartes was asked if he would like some tea, he replied, “I think not”, and disappeared!*

All kidding aside, it is liberating to realize that our thoughts are Not required for existence. I never would have discovered this had I not slowed down enough to meditate daily. It isn’t so much about discovery as experiencing the peace that comes from slowing down, breathing, and watching your thoughts go by.

Scientists agree that meditation is beneficial for the brain.  It can lengthen attention span, reduce anxiety and memory loss, and even generate kindness!

12 benefits of meditation

I have to admit it’s getting better

There is a Beatle’s song that says, “I have to admit it’s getting better”.  It comes to mind now as I’m writing this. By looking to those who had healed after trauma and loss, and listening to their sage advice, I have found healing.  Healing enough to find myself singing, playing, or coming to a place where I can share my journey in the hopes that it will help others to heal.

As a matter of fact,  many of the people who survived and thrived after loss found healing with meditation.  First there was a whole helluva lot of pain, then there was surrender, then there was healing with meditation.  At least that seems to be the case with Martha Beck, Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle.

​Somewhere in my research, I came across the work of Byron Katie.  She healed from a depression so severe that most people were afraid to be in the same room with her.  Katie had a life-changing experience that filled her with joy.  After that, she spent hours meditating.

I’m not ready for hours of meditation.  But I have learned that meditation can change your brain.  It can help you get off of the hamster wheel from hell.  It can help put the pieces of a broken heart back together.

​Highway to Heaven

​Meditation helps me arrive at acceptance. And acceptance is where heaven can be found.  One of my favorite books is “Loving what is” by Byron Katie.  Doing the work of questioning my painful thoughts, or becoming the watcher of my thoughts has helped me see that death is a transition, not the end.  It helps me feel closer to my son.  It burns away the “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda’s” and leaves me with the golden treasure of peace.

Meditation brings a connection of spirit that calms my soul.

I’ve come a long way from guffawing at the thought of healing with meditation.  I think it would be impossible to heal without meditation.

*Martha Beck – The Joy diet – please note that the joke about Descartes is from this book.

About Vicki

Welcome! I’m glad you stopped by.  I’m hoping to offer a place of healing and community.  I hope you will find that here.

I lost my Extraordinary son, Joseph Loveland, two Christmas seasons ago.  He was an artist, an amazing friend, a teacher and overall Amazing person.

Over the past two years, I have found, books, music, people and just things in general that have helped me in my quest to heal.  That is why I am starting this website.

I came up with the phrase “MeHealingNow” because I have learned the only time I can heal is Now. I cannot heal in the future, and I cannot heal in the past. As someone who grew up trying to fit in, and somewhat of a people pleaser, I recently discovered that the most important person for me to love is me. Loving myself is the best way to love others and even heal the planet! And that is how “MeHealingNow” came to be. 🙂

This website is a place for people who are recovering from loss or trauma.  To create a safe space to share stories, and to find community.

I believe that writing my own truth is healing. And that sharing our stories create even more healing and community.  I want to hear your story too.  I hope that we can share at least a portion of our healing journey together.

If you ever need a hand or have any questions, feel free to leave them below and I will be more than happy to help you out.

All the best,